The main focus of my revision will be to make clear my overarching argument early on in the paper so that the reader has some type of feel for my viewpoint. Debra did a good job of pointing out to me that my tone and arguments throughout don't really do enough to sell the reader on my viewpoint until the end of the paper when I bring everything together. Therefore, I will work on stating my purpose early on so that the reader can have that in the back of his/her mind, and maybe then my tone will make a little more sense.
Qiting pointed out to me that my style sounds a little too 'scientific', which I can totally agree with because up until this point Ive really only had to write scientific papers for classes. She also mentioned that I need to include some more personal experiences on how the banking method of education has influenced how I think and how I interact withing my community.
In addition to the content suggestions that Debra and Qiting have suggested, I will revise my paper to include more verbage and less nominalization. This should help with creating a more active sounding, and descriptive style of writing. Also, after scanning through my paper briefly I noticed there are a few words that I use a little excessively. If I can broaden my word choice a I think the reader will find my style much more entertaining.
One question that I have is do you think my essay is organized in a logical matter? I kind of feel like for this first draft I just had so much on my mind that I really wanted to get down on paper all of my thoughts and I may not have addressed each of my points in the most sensible manner.
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